College to Force Every Willets Resident to Pay for Stolen Weed

On March 30, a Willets resident’s marijuana stash was stolen from his dormitory while he was engaging in a riotous night out at Pub Nite. The resident, who wished to remain anonymous for this article, suffered significant damage to his mental health and constitution, as well as $500 in drug costs. The college, in response, is looking to make somebody pay.

“As the premier liberal arts college in the region, we feel it’s necessary to make sure each and every single one of our students feels accommodated and is able to meet their drug needs,” said Dean of Students Liz Braun.

“Stealing is bad,” added Associate Dean of Students Nathan Miller.

An ultimatum was issued by Willets’ Residential Communities Coordinator (RCC), Mummy Shanson, who manages RA’s and shares on-call duties and emergency responses with the Dean’s staff.

“[O]ur next step in this process, given that we have no information, will be moving forward with charging the community […]. I will be giving you all from the time you receive this email, until the 20th of April,” Shanson wrote in an email she sent to Willets residents on Friday.

The ultimatum has been ill-received by students — abstainers and potheads alike.

“I don’t do drugs, I don’t do alcohol, I don’t do nothin’… this is very unfair,” said Brendan Turez ‘18.

“While I for sure do feel for that dude who had his weed stealed [sic], it’s just really unfair that the RCC has decided to punish the entire hall for this thing, y’know,” said Joy Hoi ’20. It should be noted that her eyes were bloodshot at the time of the interview.

According to Cygnet, 203 students currently live in Willets. This would mean each student would be charged around $2.50 to cover the wronged student’s costs.

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Dean Nathan Miller

This is not the real Dean Nathan Miller. If you got confused, you have been PUNKED. April fool's.!!!!1!!

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