College Hires New Administrative Assistant, Don Quixote

Swarthmore College hired Don Quixote to serve as a new administrator this week. Quixote will serve as an Administrative Assistant in the Communications Office and handle all communication between the student press and presidential staff.

Officially, Quixote’s title is Administrative Assistant to the Administrative Assistant to the Director to the Vice President to the President in Charge of Relations to the Student Press. An anonymous member of the Communications Office said in an email that they “are thrilled to have Don on board. He will be an invaluable connection between students and the President.”

Some students have bemoaned this additional degree of separation from President Valerie Smith, to which our source replied, “Having an additional liaison between the student press and the Communications Office will make the Administration [sic] more transparent and accessible, in accordance with the responses from last year’s climate survey.”

Aldonza Lorenzo, Quixote’s high school girlfriend, said he was always very passionate, and therefore an ideal choice for the position. “I only knew him for a little bit, but he followed this band, you know? The Windmills, I think they were called.” Further research showed that the Windmills are a hip hop group  founded in 2010. “That’s why I only knew him for a little bit. In 2011, when we were both seniors, he moved to Los Angeles, where the band was from. I think he wanted to be a roadie. Only someone as devoted as that could be good as an Administrative Assistant!”

After moving to Los Angeles, California, Quixote enrolled in the University of California at Los Angeles. There, he first met Sancho Panza. “Yeah, we were good pals,” he said in a Skype conversation. “Those were some good times. Donny always followed this band, I forget the name. I mean literally followed: he was at every one of their shows, and always found his way to the front row. It was kind of creepy. Other than that, though, he was cool.”

After dropping out of UCLA in 2013, Quixote moved with Panza to Pennsylvania and worked at LaMancha Animal Rescue, a “no-kill” shelter located in Coatesville, as a full-time volunteer. “He was a very hard worker,” Panza said. “Day in and day out, he came to work without fail. He fed the animals, bathed the animals, played with the animals.” Panza began to sniffle. “We’re really going to miss him over here.”

Quixote was hired by the college quite recently. A search committee consisting of two students, one faculty member, and ten administrators, all of whom wished to remain anonymous, was formed over Winter Break to find a suitable candidate for this position. Anonymous suggestion forms were sent via Swatmail on December 31, 2015, which were open for the remainder of that year. The committee was surprised to find that only two candidates were suggested: White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough and LaMancha Volunteer Don Quixote.

Applications were sent to both individuals. Yesterday’s press release claimed that McDonough’s resume was nowhere as impressive as Quixote’s. “On Quixote’s [application], we [the search committee] saw true greatness. Why else would someone leave high school to stalk a favorite band, and quit college to pet dogs? This passion, this stalwartness, this inconsistency—this is what Swarthmore needs.”

A student on the committee who wished to remain unnamed said, “I voted against Quixote, personally. But really, how bad could he be? He clearly demonstrates excellent people skills and will bring a unique voice to the Swarthmore administration. On the other hand, how would he improve administrative transparency? Will the student press even be able to get through to administrators now?”  Other students expressed similarly mixed opinions.

Quixote began his new job today. He could not be reached for a comment.

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The Daily Gazette is Swarthmore’s daily newspaper. The Gazette is sent out every work-day to more than 2,500 people, and has thousands of readers from across the world. The Daily Gazette was organized during Fall semester 1996 by Sam Schulhofer-Wohl ’98. The goal: to provide timely coverage of campus news and Garnet sports while maintaining complete independence from the administration and student government.

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