Jacob Abendaum, current Chair of the Student Budgetary Committee (SBC), has officially decreed that since he cannot find anyone to take over his highly-demanding role, the graduation of the class of 2014 will just have to wait.
“I don’t give a shit,” Abendaum said, waving around a cappuccino while simultaneously greeting two passing students, a Dean, and a professor. “I just don’t. I have stayed up all night for the past two years to do this job. I’m not going to just hand that kind of responsibility over to some shmuck. Fuck that.”
Interspersed with his casual use of both Yiddish and English profanity was clearly a tender sense of obligation to the student body. “You know, here at Swarthmore, I pretty much am God. No, I’m no meshugganah – I know my limits. It’s me and it’s Donny at the grill. We feed the masses, right? That’s what we do. Where would you be without me?” Abendaum took out a flask, poured something into his cappuccino, and took a sip. “I’ll tell you,” he said. “Nowhere.”
“I rule this school,” he continued. “And the best part about this whole graduation thing, is that when we have it in August or later, I’m not gonna make you pay for caps. I’m not gonna make you pay for gowns. It’s going to be quick and dirty and guess who’s gonna be the keynote speaker, baby? You guessed it. Me.”
When asked about the inconvenience this postponement might pose to students and their families, Abendaum looked The Daily Gazette reporter straight in the eye and raised a single eyebrow higher than said reporter had ever thought possible. “And who are they gonna come to with those complaints? Choppy Chopp? Liz Yawn? I mean, oy to the vey.” Abendaum paused. “It’s me. That’s what I was implying. Also consider that second computer for The Daily Gazette office un-approved.”