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Posted in April Fools 2014

Investigative Report: Where are All the Attractive People?

By
April 1, 2014

As the Swarthmore community celebrates the College’s sesquicentennial, The Daily Gazette has taken upon itself to investigate an issue plaguing Swarthmore for the past 150 years. Since its funding by a committee of Quakers in 1864, countless individuals have asked, “So where are all the attractive people on campus?”

While students travel from class to class, class and style are indeed absent. Individuals clad in baggy sweatpants and Uggs parade from Sharples to the Science Center with what seems like no understanding of the fact that maroon does not match maroon. And as these fleece-covered students roam campus, none seem to wander upon the gym. Swatties seem oblivious to personal fitness as they ignore our gym facilities, eerily empty from opening to closing.

Indeed, Michaela Mushman ’16, tour guide for the Admissions Office, said, “I think the most frequently asked question on tour is, ‘Why are there no attractive people at Swarthmore?’ I get it so much and have no idea what to say!”

So where are the Ryan Goslings and Megan Foxes of Swarthmore? Where are the chiseled abs and bodacious bods that seem to appear in every movie depicting college life? Are attractive people and a liberal arts education simply incompatible? To answer this question, we went to the queen advocate of a liberal arts education — President Rebecca Chopp – who would surely know the answer to this and every other question about the liberal arts.

After briefly actively listening to the question and reflecting upon its implications, President Chopp said, “I truly believe attractive people do not fit in the utopia-realist communities that are decidedly countercultural and that define a liberal arts education.”

But how does Swarthmore go about keeping out so many attractive individuals? Dean of Admissions, Jim Bock ’90 said, “Admissions officers always stalk applicants’ Facebook and Twitter accounts and then rate applicants based on appearance from one to ten, with all those rated above eight automatically rejected. It’s been an admissions secret, but that’s how we keep the acceptance rate so low!”

Bock admits that the admissions mistake sought after in the orientation play is based on the one “perfect 10” student who was accidentally admitted. “It was a disaster. The one beautiful, perfect-ten student distracted his classmates to no end,” Bock said.

So who was this attractive person accidentally admitted? See if you can find him in the game below. TIP: Have your computer sound on.

Attractive People

Keep looking, it’s hard to find attractive people at Swat!

You found him!

Venus

One Response to Investigative Report: Where are All the Attractive People?

  1. admissions mistake Reply

    April 1, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    The DG has published more articles today than the entire rest of the semester. Great reporting!

    Recommended by readers. Vote Up or Down: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

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