Following Recommendations, College to be Renamed “Margolis Healy University”

In an effort to comply with the recommendations of consulting firm Margolis Healy & Associates (MHA), the College will officially change its name to “Margolis Healy University.”

In an unprecedentedly campus-wide email, President Rebecca Chopp announced that the change was part of an intensification of efforts to work closely with the firm.

“It is time to move on to the next stage of our evolution. Margolis Healy & Associates has painstakingly studied our campus culture, our policies, and even our core principles. As a result, they have recommended, and we have gratefully agreed, that our already-productive cooperation can and will become even more productive. Indeed, it can become transformative,” Chopp said in an interview, as heavily built MHA representatives looked on.

Interim Title IX Coordinator Latricia Fish agreed with Chopp, adding that MHA is the key to the College’s future development.

“What better way is there to transform, what better way is there to be fully compliant and, indeed, congruent, with these recommendations? We asked Margolis Healy how we might best follow them, and they have answered. To follow Margolis Healy, we will become Margolis Healy,” Fish said.

In an unrelated email, Chopp announced that she would start working from home to spend more time with her family and “reflect on some things.”

The College will soon update its curriculum to keep in line with the change in profile. Every first-year will henceforth be required to take the course “Margolis and Healy: the Making of America.”

“Margolis and Healy are central to who we want our students to become. Every incoming student will ask themselves: Do I want to be Margolis, or do I want to be Healy? That choice will mold their life for years to come,” Dean of Students Liz Braun said.

Representatives of MHA, who have already moved into President Chopp’s former office, welcomed the changes, saying that they were a step in the right direction for the College.

“We are happy that Swarthmore has taken these steps to open itself up to our recommendations. The next step, of course, is to embody them. We want every student, administrator, professor, and staff member asking themselves: Am I ready to become Margolis Healy? What is keeping me from getting there? What steps can I take to get there? Only then can there be real safety. Only then can there be real change. Only then can we know peace,” an MHA statement read.

Most students were excited about the change, saying that it might finally bring some name recognition to their alma mater.

At press time, unmarked MHA vehicles had surrounded the Public Safety building for “routine inspection.”

 


Hello, did you like this article? Write for The Gazette! Open staff meetings are every Monday at 7:30 p.m. in The Daily Gazette office on Parrish 4th; You can also email us at editors@daily.swarthmore.edu.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *