In an effort to optimize campus law enforcement, Public Safety Director Mike Hill has fired every officer under his command.
“Honestly, it’s liberating to be rid of all that paperwork and managerial confusion,” Hill said, “True justice needs no red tape.”
He said Public Safety has become more accountable as a result.
“People keep talking about transparency and accountability. Well, now you know exactly who to talk to. I am PubSafe. I am The Law,” Hill said, asking that he henceforth be referred to as “Judge Hill.”
He announced the changes during a press conference held on Clothier tower. The location, he explained, was symbolic.
“Over the past few years, Clothier Tower has become a symbol of Public Safety’s slipping hold over this campus. [...] Friends, all that is behind us. The age of instant justice has dawned,” Hill said, adding that he will make Clothier his personal watchtower.
Crouched and rapidly moving his eyes back and forth over campus grounds, he declared that “no evil shall escape [his] sight,” regardless of the time of day.
Administrators applauded the reforms, saying that they improved equity and transparency in how the College handles safety.
“Judge Hill has put the ‘justice’ in ‘social justice,’” Judicial Affairs Coordinator Mate Niller said, adding that the recent changes will probably make his job obsolete.
To accommodate Public Safety’s new profile, the College will require that every sizable party have a rope hanging above the dance floor for Judge Hill to menacingly dangle from. Additionally, the anonymous Clery report system has been replaced by a public “Judge Hill’s hit-list,” to which students can submit the names of campus wrongdoers.
At press time, Hill had just walked into Worth courtyard and shouted “Judgement time!” to its bewildered occupants.