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Posted in April Fools 2013

New Graduation Policy Enforces Swarthmore’s Anti-Capitalist Ideology

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April 1, 2013

Swarthmore College announced late Sunday night that it would not be offering degrees to any member of the Class of 2013 who does not intend to found a vegan coffee shop after graduation, calling other professional choices “antithetical to Swarthmore values.”

“As a liberal arts college, Swarthmore maintains an open-mind towards students’ political and ideological orientations,” said College President Rebecca Chopp, “which is why we will only be recognizing the hard work of students who have responsibly chosen to leverage the privilege of their Swarthmore education to challenge patriarchal-monopoly capitalism.”

While some students have complained that the decision does not recognize the diversity of our campus community, proponents of the decision argue that such complaints are merely rhetorical and mask the perpetuation of patriarchal-capitalist oppression. “I saw an Econ major, once. He looked mean,” said one student, who preferred to remain anonymous.

President Chopp has tried to reconcile both sides by recalling the “fair, open process” by which the decision was made. “If the majority of the senior class disagrees with their decision, they should have been more vocal at the scream-off.”

No explanation of how seniors can prove whether they meet the College’s new standards for graduation has been announced.

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