To the frank and occasionally transvestite student body of Swarthmore College,
Though our time as columnists is fleeting, you will find that our final wisdom-nugget neither drips with false compliments, nor oozes with idolatrous praise. As self-appointed Sages of Sketchy Swarthmore Trivialities, it has reached our attention that the most basic safeguard from social upheaval—which if not performed precisely will cause our Phoenix-Bubble Swat Society to combust with little hope of reincarnation—is being enacted in a most unacceptable manner. We are speaking, of course, of the Swat Swivel. To our horror and shame, this once perfectly choreographed tool of social preservation has degenerated into a pathetically sloppy, utterly ineffective head flail not unlike that of a Rottweiler attempting to shake fleas from its agitated posterior.
We are concerned, Swarthmore College. Very concerned. Since we are both leaving you for a year abroad, we chose to use this space in which we would normally answer a question covertly posed by a member of the (taut) student body to issue a vital public service announcement. We hope you will find it instrumental to restoring the harmony that has been tragically, and we hope not irrevocably, lost.