The Truth About The Truth

As many of you will no doubt remember, there was some controversy in the comments section of my last column about whether my column title, “The Truth” was meant ironically or not. One commenter, writing under the pseudonym “Bob Dole,” was unsurprised to find my latest column lacking, noting, less than grammatically, “Not a single article I’ve read which has claimed to be “The Truth” has actually been that.” When a rival commenter suggested that the title of my column might be a little “tongue in cheek,” and asked of Bob Dole, “Did the Spartan Warrior [next to the column title] not tip you off?” he was immediately shut down by Bob Dole, who responded “But no, the Spartan warrior did not tip me off… Did Spartans have a reputation for lying or misrepresentation?”

The debate about whether the author of this column actually thinks he is delivering the unadulterated truth to the masses is an important one. So let me push a third and entirely different theory about why the column “The Truth” was named as it was.

Perhaps “The Truth” is actually the name for my penis. After learning this fact you will likely have three questions:

1) Did you actually name your penis “The Truth?”
2) Why did you name your penis “The Truth?”
3) Why did you think it would be a good idea to name your column after your penis?

I have an answer to the first two questions but I do not have an answer to the third.

The answer to the first question is “Yes.” Yes, I did name my penis “The Truth.”

The answer to the second question, “Why did you name your penis ‘The Truth’?” also has an answer. The answer is because I thought phrases like “You cannot bend the truth,” “You cannot handle the truth” and “Give me nothing but the truth so help me God” could apply equally well to my penis as they could to the phrase “The truth.” Calling my penis “The Truth” has caught on with a number of people, as has referring to the truth as “Jon’s penis.”

I thought it was necessary to resolve this debate. May you all continue to enjoy “The Truth.”

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