Hiding in Sharples and Seeking in Paces
To the Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn,
Weekend after weekend, I get all dolled up, put on my sexiest clothes, and go to Paces. I do my best to flirt and show that I am single and looking. Yet, weekend after weekend, I strike out. Sometimes I think someone is interested, but…I still walk home alone, self-esteem in the toilet. What does a girl have to do to get someone to be interested in her?
-Hankering for a Hookup
Dear HH,
First of all, define “all dolled up”. Do you mean you actually put on makeup? If not, please do. The rest of the week you probably look like some unwashed miscreant with unshaven legs and armpits because you’re subverting the patriarchy or something. If you want someone to look at you without throwing up a little bit in his/her mouth, you’re going to need to put on hold your subversion of the gender norms that dominate our society and shower, shave (all those parts), and brush your hair every now and then. Put on some whorish makeup (you know, the heavy eyeliner, vibrant eyeshadow, preferably glittery, and some really shiny lip gloss. ) You have to put some effort in. Seriously.
Clothing wise, I am going to make some assumptions here. You go to Swarthmore. You probably don’t own any clothes that are actually sexy (only the girls in LaSS actually know how to dress to impress). Let’s be honest with each other. If you’ve got a hot body, you’re going to have to show some cleavage. Wear something low cut (or, as my dad used to tell me to wear when I needed to get the car inspected, “something feminine”). If you don’t, please don’t flaunt it. Please.
I don’t really know what to tell you about dancing or anything. Think of how low your self-esteem is when you leave alone. Dip it lower than that. Don’t make eye contact. Other than that…I mean, you’re a Swattie, you can’t really help your awkwardness. It happens to the best of us. The alcohol helps a little, but when it comes down to it, everyone’s awkward out there, swawkward, if you will (actually, I won’t).
The last thing I will say to you is this: do you really want to hook up with any of these people? Seriously? As I tell the children I work with, stop and think, and make good choices. Or get your eyes checked.
-The Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn
by Allison McCarthyTo the Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn,
I have a problem. This is a small campus with an even smaller student body. With one solitary dining hall. There lies the biggest problem. How on earth do I avoid someone I’d rather not run into in Sharples?
-The Elephant in the Small Room
Dear ESR,
There are several simple solutions to your problem. The first is to just stop eating. You won’t have to go to Sharples, thus, you have a significantly lower chance of seeing that certain someone (and after a few weeks of this plan, you know for sure that you won’t see him/her at all because you’ll be in the hospital with an IV in your arm). Or, you know, go to Tarble or make mac ‘n’ cheese in your room or something.
Of course, a more practical approach is to figure out a way to go to Sharples while avoiding said person. In Sharples, as in the game Assassins, you always have to be on your guard. The Swat Swivel should be utilized. Peek around corners before you walk around them. Hang out at the deli bar (where no one ever looks unless it’s Cajun bar and there’s nothing else to eat) and scan the serving area before committing to a line. Even then, be prepared to cut and run. The serving area is the biggest risk. We all know the sinking feeling that comes when you are serving yourself some mediocre Greek food or whatnot and that person that you really just don’t want to be around comes up next to you. And then they notice you and then there’s that…..yeah.
As far as seating, if you normally sit in the small room, don’t, because everyone that walks through you sees you, and vice versa. Your best bet may be to hide out in one of the booths in the middle room, or in the back corners of the big room, where you really have to look to see someone, and that someone really has to look to see you.
Disguises are fun too. So are funny accents. Do with that what you will.
All that said, you could just man up and be the more mature person. And if it’s awkward for the other person, that’s their problem. Even if it’s awkward for you still, pretend it’s not. Seriously, there comes a point when you just have to remember that you are in fact twenty or so years old and stop acting like middle schoolers.
- The Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn
Got any burning issues that you need answered by someone who obviously knows best (if only by his/her/hir’s prodigious amount of honorifics)? Write to the Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn at issues@daily.swarthmore.edu!
Print
Email
#1: 2/5/2009 at 6:14 a.m.
Is this satire?
— Matthais | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#2: 2/5/2009 at 9:56 a.m.
Is this a joke? If so, next time can there please be more integrity and more humor? Every single Swarthmore student should get upset about this article. I'm sure the LaSS girls would agree with this hairy-pitted, sad subverter of the patriarchy that women at Swarthmore DO NOT need to be so blatantly told to hate themselves and do whatever they can to fit some robot ideal. Please gals, I know it's hard when your culture (now even a Swarthmore publication!) is constantly telling you you're not good enough, but you should be spending your mental efforts on loving yourself, and NOT trying to airbrush over what makes you a smart and strong woman.
— Jackie Vitale | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#3: 2/5/2009 at 10:27 a.m.
I think this is pretty obviously a joke/satire. I would assume that Swarthmore women are all intelligent enough not to feel like this article is actually telling them "you're not good enough." In fact, I would say it's pretty clearly mocking both the general culture and the assumption that all Swarthmore people are awkward and unattractive. The entire tone of this article suggests that, and Swarthmore students really have no reason to be seriously upset.
— Sarah | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#4: 2/5/2009 at 10:49 a.m.
"Wear something low cut (or, as my dad used to tell me to wear when I needed to get the car inspected, 'something feminine')."
... Guys, this is like when The Phoenix ran the conspiracy theory column and people started to seriously question whether or not BVZ really believed in little green men and Reptilians. In some sense, I think it's pretty damn obvious that this is column is supposed to be satirical. Gee, when you read this, don't certain parts of the column just seem *profoundly* ridiculous? I wonder why?!? (Woah, everyone else thinks it's ridiculous too? It's like we're realizing the valuelessness of the arguments posed... satirically? Wooooah!)
— Yves | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#5: 2/5/2009 at 4:23 p.m.
"are all intelligent enough not to feel like this article is actually telling them "you're not good enough.""
I don't actually think that self-esteem is a matter of intelligence. Please don't equate the two.
Nonetheless, it should be pretty clear that this is satire. What reasonable person would actually tell you to "stop eating"? Or wear a disguise just to avoid someone in Sharples?
— | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#6: 2/5/2009 at 4:23 p.m.
I'm with Jackie. This is obvious satire, but it's not even funny. At all. Also, it reflects poorly on the school in general; we have no way of knowing who accesses this page, and this is the kind of column that might ACTUALLY run at other schools, like, without any satirical element. So while we are busy making fun of societal norms, others think we are reinforcing them.
Goood one.
— Krystyn McIlraith | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#7: 2/5/2009 at 5:00 p.m.
how clever of you, Jackie, insulting LaSS girls. I'm really impressed by the depth of /your/ cutting wit.
That aside, I agree that the article is in poor taste.
— Kate Aizpuru | Registered, Swarthmore
#8: 2/5/2009 at 5:32 p.m.
I think some are taking this too seriously. It is funny for how ridiculous it is, and yet there's just a little bit of truth in it for so many women. Therein lies the rub. Take the first paragraph...it sounds silly, but it's largely acurate. Most if not all of what is said is actually done by many of the girls you see at paces and dances. Do you see the Whorish makeup? At every dance. Do you see access cleavage? All the time. Do some "dip" way low and try to be a tease while dancing? Yep. It's a beautiful world.
— humm... | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#9: 2/5/2009 at 5:37 p.m.
to the poster at 5 pm:
i suspect you misread what jackie wrote if you took it as an insult to lass girls...
what she was saying was that lass girls would agree with herself (she describes herself as hair-pitted, and a sad subverter of the patriarchy) that swarthmore women don't need to hate themselves, etc.
not sure how that is an insult to lass girls...
dan
— Dan | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#10: 2/5/2009 at 5:40 p.m.
side note: certainly was not insulting LaSS. I was attempting to say that all women at Swarthmore should be miffed about this. Perhaps I was unclear.
— Jackie Vitale | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#11: 2/5/2009 at 7:03 p.m.
If we can't take a joke then we are taking ourselves way too seriously. Wayyyyyyy too seriously.
Note to the author: I think you are hilarious. Don't be scared of people hating you. Its not that bad once you are used to it. :)
— Vivaan | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#12: 2/5/2009 at 7:12 p.m.
I am even more disgusted by this blatantly phallocratic and nymphomaniacal diatribe than I was by the last one. The amount of personal counseling that I will require to help me overcome the sexual trauma that reading this has caused me may exceed my disposable income of $5,000/week.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#13: 2/5/2009 at 9:13 p.m.
Clearly satirical, and of the whole concept of Swarthmore columns in general, I expect. A worthy enough target.
But what I'm really intrigued by is the suggestion that BVZ might not actually believe the conspiracy theory stuff. It always seemed to me that there was no question that he's both a) serious and b) crazy. He's the guy who made the movie to get into this place, after all, which seems to support both claims.
— d | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#14: 2/6/2009 at 1:37 a.m.
BVZ, though insane, is probably intelligent enough to know that serious articles go in the Gazette, while crap goes in the Phoenix. Therefore I reject reptoids and am emphatically offended by everything the Duchess says.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#15: 2/6/2009 at 2:43 a.m.
I've got ten bucks that says the next article by this author makes fun of people like Jackie that seem to have left their senses of humour at the door when they got accepted to Swarthmore and/or figured out what feminism was all about.
— Swattie Expat | Registered, Swarthmore
#16: 2/6/2009 at 10:54 a.m.
I did think this was hilarious but I'm not sure it's satirical. I think that if your first premise is "I want to get with someone at paces" (and believe it or not, some people just want to do that!), then the rational agent would probably go through all of the steps listed in the first response to get there. If you want to participate in a patriarchal sexual scene where courtship consists entirely of drunken boorishness and looking at your new partner and thinking "they'll do," then makeup, cleavage and no eye contact are good rules. I think the Duchess rightly points out that maybe that's not the best goal, but as long as it is your goal, you've got to go conventional.
And I'm disappointed the line about Lass ("Only the LaSS girls know how to dress to impress. And by impress I mean put out," for posterity's sake) was taken out. It made me laugh reading it in the library. And I think the Duchess was right. I mean, you can question the whole framework of college sexuality, because it truly is a bizzare thing, but so long as you want to play, you've got to know the rules, and LaSS does. The rules are that girls dress like Paris Hilton and the guys pop the collars on their striped shirts and get very loud. That might suck, but it is what it is.
— notari | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#17: 2/7/2009 at 5:58 p.m.
Hate to break it to you, but not shaving your pits is just as much of a recent, high schoolish trend/fashion statement as anything else at this school these days.
— Peter '11 | Registered, Swarthmore
#18: 2/7/2009 at 6:05 p.m.
Yo, I like my minimal cleavage that I accentuate on Sat nights and who are you kidding? You're more than likely privileged and have never even seen what a real hooker looks like. What's wrong with a little MAC? Just b/c some girls here care about their appearance doesn't mean they're robots. (We know how to feel!) When you're hot you're hot, and when you're not, it's prob b/c you're too busy feeling superior and looking inferior. But word on not being disappointed with going home alone rather than settling if that's what you wanna call it. The Lass jab was just kind of tacky...
— Lauren | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#19: 2/8/2009 at 2:55 p.m.
I just wanted to thank the Duchess of Swarthmore, Esq., PhD, OB/Gyn. Your opinion column is one of the only things that has come out of Swarthmore and at the same time provided me with happiness.
Both of your articles so far are funny but I certainly hope it isn't satire (except for the part about LaSS girls), because everything you pen is truth.
— Dr House | Registered, Swarthmore