Following the lead of the Women’s Resource Center, Delta Upsilon has announced its decision to become a dry fraternity, effective immediately.
The annual toga party will still take place, but instead of the usual drinks will feature olives and grape juice. The fraternity will also host its jungle party and hootenanny as usual, and hopes that this decision will raise the caliber of the parties.
Leading fraternity members said the decision was motivated by a desire “to protect the brothers from the oppressive stereotypes placed on frat guys.”
“Also,” one added, “I’m sick of getting immature notes on my shirt at the graffiti party. Why aren’t we quoting Locke and Plato on these garments? That’s my idea of class.”
“Ultimately,” explained Craig Thompton ’09, “We learned from the Classics Department. Those people know how to PARTY! And honestly, we couldn’t really compete with their socials. They’ve basically out-competed every party space on campus—it’s like big government, but now it’s big departments. Honestly, how can we supply more booze than people with actual salaries?”
The decision was not without its protesters. Pam Reed ’11 bemoaned the change: “Now instead of drunk people, I’ll be accosted by uncomfortably sober guys every time I go in there. I’m gonna go nuts!”
After this move, the pressure seems to be on Phi Psi to follow suit. But its members are standing strong. “If we don’t hold out, who will disorient the freshmen?” asked one rising senior, who preferred to go unnamed.
Astute observers will notice that this decision makes Olde Club the only wet space available for the Genderfuck party, and are advised to wear as little as possible in order to maximize the capacity of the space. In the words of one member of the planning committee, “It’s going to be a madhouse!”