Oh, Henry! - Notes from a Very Conservative Guinea Pig's Life
Dear Diary,
The way things work here is very confusing for a simple-minded guinea pig like myself. I feel like I suddenly dropped down the Rabbit Hole in Alice in Wonderland. None of the rules here seem to make sense at all, and my head's all muddled. I guess I should try to explain some.
For the first time, I left my home and family and came to Swarthmore College. I was really excited, and maybe a little bit nervous too. And when I hugged my mom goodbye, I might have cried just a tiny bit. After arriving here, though, I quickly was distracted by all the flurry of moving in, meeting my roommate, and going to all the freshmen activities.
The second night I was reading my Bible in my room when I noticed my roommate was watching a movie on his computer. I had thought it had not come out on DVD yet, so I asked him about it. He said that he downloaded the movie from something called "ShareSharePlus," which the student ITS tech person helped him set up.
"But isn't that illegal? Why are you doing something that's illegal?" I asked.
My roommate tried to explain to me that it is sort of illegal, but that it's okay anyway, since music companies make lots of money. But that didn't make sense, since when I asked him if that meant I could take his things, since he has more money than I do, he got angry and said I wasn't allowed to touch his belongings. I didn't mean to make him angry, and now I'm worried he doesn't like me at all!
Life got even more confusing later -- everything seems so upside down and contradictory! I was wandering around the dorm trying to find the Sexual Health Workshop. I felt embarrassed to go, but it was required so I figured I had to. I was trying to find it when I came across a room with some upperclassmen and an RA sitting in a room talking and drinking stuff from brown bottles. I didn't think it really could be alcohol, since it's Dry Week -- everyone knows that! I asked them if it was root beer, but they looked kind of sheepish and mumbled, "Not really."
I may be a simple guinea pig, but I'm not stupid. "You're drinking beer, aren't you? But why?"
"We're just relaxing, it's not a big deal," said the RA.
"But we're not allowed to drink during this week, it's college policy. Didn't we just learn this morning from President Al Bloom about Ethical Intelligence and how we need to use our learning and abilities for good? And as an RA, shouldn't you be upholding the college rules?"
They just shook their heads and laughed, saying, "Oh, Henry!"
I guess at Swarthmore people don't always say what they mean.
To help us adjust to college life we went to a lot of workshops, which were very helpful, and I learned a lot that I hadn't expected. There was the sexual workshop, an alcohol workshop and a diversity workshop. There may have been more, but I forget.
The alcohol workshop facilitators were students – all the workshop facilitators were students. They taught us how to help your friends and avoid the police when you're drunk, and told us we should try not to drink until we're sick, because then we would have to go to the hospital and might get arrested. It seemed kind of mean the way they said it, since I don't think police should arrest sick people. They also said it's okay not to drink, but that it's the only thing people do on the weekends.
The sexual health workshop made me very uncomfortable, since I usually don't talk about those sorts of things. The counselors said it was okay to not have sex. I figured that was it and I could leave, but they had this odd smile and said everyone should stay anyway -- just in case. They then showed us all sorts of ways to use things like bananas and gloves to prevent emergencies. I'm glad my mother wasn't there.
I was really excited about to diversity workshop, as I was beginning to feel I really needed some help understanding college life here. I'm not sure I'm the same as many other students, the diversity workshop could be a safe place to explore our differences and feelings in a safe environment. Once the workshop started, all the other people began talking about how they grew up in oppressive conservative environments and it made them feel bad. The funny things was that it sounded a lot like the places I grew up. When my turn to speak came, I didn't want to make everyone else upset, so I didn't say too much.
Oh yes, the orientation play! The orientation play was very clever, but really made me more confused than ever. They said some of the things that I agreed with, but apparently people only say those things in plays (Maybe I should look into the theater department). The person that was supposed to be conservative didn't have any of the values that I have, and actually seemed a lot like all the other students here. And at the end, they once again said that it was okay not to have sex, but sung a silly song about how sex was good and fun and they threw out condoms to us. So I'm not really sure they meant it.
I kind of miss home, but my father told me, "Going to college means standing on your own four feet!" And I guess he's right. The culture is different here, and it's just the first week after all. I've definitely learned a lot, and I'm excited to see what my classes and the rest of the semester is like!
Henry
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#1: 9/3/2008 at 7:02 a.m.
Chris,
I was going to respond directly to your column and then realized I would be talking to a rodent. Surely there's a better way for you to engage the liberals of Swarthmore than to put forth your views through (and hide behind) a "not very smart guinea pig."
-A Very Liberal Human Being
P.S. Even so, I can't help but point out that if you think bananas can be used to prevent contraceptive emergencies, you were not paying attention at your SHC workshop. Maybe you should tag along with the freshmen as they go through theirs.
— a Swattie abroad | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#2: 9/3/2008 at 8:23 a.m.
Hey Chris,
Great blog. Henry is very acute in picking up much of the hypocrisy that many Swatties - liberals, conservatives, and everyone in between, me included, - are prone to committing. It should not take a "simple mind" to recognize that some of us need to review the lines we choose to cross. Also, I appreciate that you provide the perspective of a conservative student in an extremely liberal environment, a perspective that is usually forgotten, ignored, or suppressed.
Mary
P.S. Henry has risen!
— Mary P | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#3: 9/3/2008 at 9:45 a.m.
It seems you didn't get much out of your diversity workshop. That's unfortunate, but I think you are misrepresenting what goes on in most workshops.
— Diversity Workshops? | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#4: 9/3/2008 at 10:09 a.m.
Thanks for the column, Chris!
Everybody is hypocritical in some way, and every society or culture is insane in some manner - including the one we have here. We must never forget that. The culture of our school is somewhat driven on hypersensitivity and self-destruction, and we're nowhere near as progressive as we claim to be IMHO.
Because of how crazy all cultures are, I also think it's somewhat crazy to follow all of their rules without thinking about it. I think, as individuals, we should examine each law and carefully consider why it's there, then make our own decisions. Of course, if you decide not to follow a law, you should be ready to accept any consequences from your society.
However, as far as stealing music goes, I'd like to provide an alternate approach. Firstly, I think this is actually the fault of the mainstream music market - if they provided anything worth buying instead of mindless crap for the masses, nobody would need to steal music. However, one needs to search to find good music, and the best way to do this is through piracy. Piracy actually helps independent artists gain more exposure. Oftentimes, when people pirate an album they love, that causes them to buy it. And even if they don't buy it (in my case, this is usually because the music is only available as extremely expensive import albums), it may convince them to see that artist on tour, where they make real money. Without the internet and piracy, most of these independent artists wouldn't have a chance.
Similarly with movies. I don't know how many people keep the movies they steal, thus making it somewhat akin to renting or streaming the film online. It makes it easy to find films that would be very hard to find to watch otherwise. I don't think it gives independent films the same level of exposure as it does for internet music, but it probably does help.
— Trickster G., II | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#5: 9/3/2008 at 7:05 p.m.
Dear Chris,
While I don't agree with you about everything you said, I'm really really glad you said it. People at this college need somebody to take an alternative viewpoint to things sometime. I know that many of the ideas on campus are extremely commendable (though since I'm a bit conservative myself, I sometimes have trouble with them too) but I feel that sometimes many of the people on campus have a tendency to behave like sheep. I mean--many of us don't question the ideas--ethics--morals--what-have-you that arise from our respective viewpoints. And I think that that is quite dangerous. People here like to pride themselves on their liberalism, and in many ways they are extremely liberal, I do agree, and very commendable--but when they refuse to listen to the viewpoints of others, they are no longer being liberal, because liberalism is about having an open mind and trying not to judge others too harshly, about treating everybody, regardless of their ideas and outlook, with respect.
— Rachael Mansbach | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#6: 9/4/2008 at 6:44 a.m.
i didn't know only liberals drank during dry week and used dc++...thanks for letting me know chris! whoops, I mean henry!
— abroad | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#7: 9/4/2008 at 2:58 p.m.
Why does it always have to be about liberals and conservatives? Why can't it just be about people? Why does someone else have to be wrong for you to be right?
— Gabriel Riccio | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#8: 9/6/2008 at 1:28 p.m.
I've wanted to comment on this column for a while, and I’ve tried to fully and carefully consider my reaction. But after all that, I’m still fundamentally confused about a major aspect of the column. I’m hoping that I could get some kind of response from you, Chris, as to my confusion.
First of all, there are some things I’m not confused about. I understand and value its goal to present a view of Swarthmore from a conservative student, something most people here don't usually have access too. Giving people another perspective is probably always a good thing. That’s not the confusing part: what’s really throwing me for a loop is the guinea pig. What’s the idea behind the character of Henry? I assume that one of its purposes is to show that the column is meant to be humorous or satirical. With the inclusion of a guinea pig, if I or someone else were to comment that the column trivializes and misrepresents the work of committed workshop facilitators and is patently insulting, you would be able say, "But it's just satire! See! A guinea pig! Everyone is too sensitive here!"
My problem with this, and the source of my confusion, is that there are actually very few jokes about Henry being a guinea pig. Where are all the "hilarious" misunderstands of a rodent going to college? "I think I really scared my roommate when I started trimming my teeth, but he just didn't understand that rodents' teeth are different from humans'!" or "I went to Sharples at 12:35 and almost got squished!" You can even make fun of liberals at the same time as you make jokes about being a guinea pig: "I didn't need the whole bed, because I just sleep in a shoebox filled with newspaper. I told my roommate that he could push the beds together so that he could have extra space to sleep. Then he used his new large bed to host an orgy. Dear Diary, liberals make me feel awkward!"
Because the guinea pig aspect is mentioned almost nowhere, it comes off to me as a smokescreen, something in which to cloak sometimes bitterly sarcastic commentary on the College and your fellow students. Again, this is how it’s coming off to me, and hopefully you could clarify what you’re up to with the Henry character.
I also want to make clear that I think you should feel welcome to express any kind of position or idea that you want. It’s your column. If you want to use your column to express your frustration as a social and political conservative at Swarthmore, do it. If you want to use your column to question the ideals and mores of a predominantly liberal campus, do it. If you want to use your column to imply that the diversity workshops are just filled with whiners, do it. But right now, it seems like you’re using a guinea pig to do it for you.
— Mark Lewis '10 | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#9: 9/8/2008 at 7:10 p.m.
DC++ : True
RA's drinking during dry week: True, but I don't think they would make fun of you for questioning it. If they did, that's bad.
Police officers will arrest sick people, I'm not sure what you were trying to prove there. And I'm almost positive RA's are instructed to tell you that drinking is NOT the only thing people do on weekends and that you can have a great time without doing so.
As a two-time diversity workshop facilitator, I have a two-sided reaction to your statement about that experience. Yes, it is true that (you) might feel awkward while being told that (you) were part of a silent majority that, without your knowledge, was hurtful to other people. That's why we have the workshop--so (you)'ll understand where they are coming from and hopefully learn to avoid hurting people. On the other hand, this would have been a perfect opportunity to bring up how uncomfortable (you) felt at Swarthmore, since we specifically ask if people have been made to feel uncomfortable about their religious belief.
As for the play? Well, yeah, I've always thought the conservative characters were a little too simplistic. But they don't have many actors or much time. The condoms, true, perhaps too much.
I think you're a really awesome guy and would love to discuss this stuff with you, rather than with a sarcastic guinea pig, if you ever want to.
— Cole | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#10: 9/13/2008 at 11:46 a.m.
First off, I'm so tired of Swarthmore students hiding behind the front of "conservative" or "liberal" just so they can feel like there is a community of support and justification of their views. This is not a conservative viewpoint. This is Chris' viewpoint. Stop hiding behind false labels.
I seriously don't get this column. I mean, for goodness sakes, this article could be written by anyone on this campus about anything.
I've seen "conservative" students drinking up the wazoo the first night freshman came to school. I've seen "conservative" students downloading music on DC++. I've seen "conservative" students voice their opinion in diversity workshop, and "conservative" students actively voice their discomfort during SHC workshops.
What are you suggesting? That we stop showing students how to use contraceptives? Great, go ahead. Then see how many students stop having sex. We've seen how much banning drinking during "dry week" does to prevent drinking. These are not actions of a liberal student population, Chris, these are actions of a student population period.
— Idon'tgetit | Unregistered, Swarthmore