Oh, Henry! Notes from a Very Conservative Guinea Pig’s Life
Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks so much for the parsley! I shared it around with my whole hall (they said that it was good, but that next time I should include some hummus). I’m settling in just swell. I’ve joined a community of like-minded vegans. We all agree that Sharples way overcooks the vegetables (of course, any cooking is overcooking), and that there’s nothing better than a good fresh salad of carrots, peppers, and celery! In fact, some of them convinced me to join the Good Food Project, a student group in which we plant and eat our own produce.
You shouldn’t worry at all about my not eating well. In addition to good food, the dining hall has a full salad bar for lunch and dinner (though I usually have to eat my own breakfast). We’re only allowed to eat three times a day here, but the campus is very green, so I usually just grab a quick snack in between meals; and they have some really good grass here! Though I didn’t dare to start my snacking until just recently; no one else seems to do share my love for it.
I have a story about grass. I was walking through Hallowell (one of the dorms here) to visit one of my friends. Suddenly I just felt the urge to eat something. The hallways of that dorm are really crooked and I accidentally walked right into someone’s room. We started talking, but after a while I mentioned that I was practically starving.
“You got the munchies?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m really hungry, but I’ve asked all around, and there’s no place to get anything eat at Swarthmore late at night!”
He gazed empathetically past me, “Yeah, I know what you mean, man. You want some chips or something?”
“No, I’m vegan. But I haven’t had any high quality grass in a long time. You don’t have any grass, do you?”
“Sure man! I’ll get you hooked up.” He turned around and pulled out a crazy-looking contraption, sort of like an exotic desk lamp. “I just got this last semester in Egypt; try a hit!”
I ambled up and took a sniff. Woah! For the whole rest of the night I felt really weird but really relaxed too. It was the strangest stuff I’ve ever met., and I’m not sure that I really like it. I think from now on, I’ll stick with normal grass from the ground!
Classes so far have been really good. One of the other guinea pigs here was trying to convince me that I should take some courses in Rodent Studies, but I’m not sure that I really want to do that. For now I’m just taking introductory courses in biology, linguistics, economics, and classics. They are all interesting, but sometimes it is hard to get to class on time – the buildings are really far away when you’re only four inches high. I usually get to hitch a ride with one of my friends, though, so it’s not too bad. Girls especially think I’m cute and furry, and are happy to carry me over to my classrooms.
It’s funny, Dad, how you said, “liberals are tolerant of everything --- except intolerance,” because I have found it’s not really true. It seems more to me that people everywhere are happy with things they like, and try to avoid the things they don’t like. For instance, most people here believe you have to take a shower at least once a day. I tried to explain that I don’t really feel that’s entirely necessary, and simply tongue-washing myself is sufficient for me. It’s part of my identity as a guinea pig. But everyone I talk to seems disgusted by the idea of washing yourself by licking yourself clean; it’s not very tolerated!
Other lifestyle adjustments I’ve made include some of my experiences with my roommate. I realize that he and I really are very different creatures, and even though he himself creates a huge mess of our room, he continues to insist that I use the toilet --- easy for him to say, he doesn’t have to worry about falling in and getting flushed away.
We were also encouraged by our RA to write up a contract saying what sort of stuff we agree to do. Listening to some of the upperclassmen I know, it sounded like the most important part was to decide when do you when you want to have time alone with someone -- of the opposite gender. (Or, as I guess my friends would remind me, maybe of the same gender. People get easily upset here if you don’t make a lot of caveats.) I try to be very agreeable, but I don’t support that kind of behavior, and it’s my room just as much as his. I don’t see why I should agree to both inconvenience myself and help him to do something morally wrong by signing that sort of contract. Is that just being selfish, though? Please tell me what it do, because I’m worried that with Pub Nite starting up now, I will need to know very soon. I’ve never had to think about these sorts of things before!
Other than roommate troubles, life is good. It's really hard to remember the names of all the new friends I meet, so to make things easier for them, I began introducing myself as "Henry, a very conservative guinea pig." Every time I did that, though, people would kind of stare at me and make me feel uncomfortable. One of my new friends --- I don't remember her name, but she was very nice -- told me that I should just introduce myself as "Henry, a guinea pig." I tried that, and people seemed to like it much better, especially the part about my being a guinea pig, since guinea pigs are pretty rare here at Swarthmore.
In other news, I’ve decided to branch out and am taking a swing dance class! Don’t tell my friends back home, or I’ll never hear the end of it. It’s certainly something new (I jokingly told my partner that I felt like I had two left feet), and it’s tricky not getting stepped on, but I’m enjoying the change to try something that isn’t for my real classes. Plus its fun way to meet new people.
More coming soon, I promise!
Love,
Henry
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#1: 9/17/2008 at 7:18 a.m.
Author's note: I am happy to reply privately to any person who comments on these articles and leaves a name.
People seem to have been confused by the term "conservative." thinking only of it in political terms. It also refers to many other areas of life, religion and personal habits (e.g. a personally conservative person probably won't go bungee jumping); clearly most people are not conservative in every area of life. There are politically conservative people who are personally liberal, and politically liberal people who are personally conservative. Henry is a conglomeration of all these forms of conservative.
Finally, these stories while based on reality, are fiction; and Henry, resemble the author though he may, is not the author, nor are all his views the same as the author's.
Thank you all for reading, and I hope you enjoy future columns -- I have appreciated all your comments so far, and look forward to more!
Yours,
Chris Green
— Chris Green | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#2: 9/17/2008 at 9:01 a.m.
Chris,
That was great, thanks! You really took suggestions and integrated a lot more guinea pig humor to great success! Henry must have to work hard not to get stepped on while swing dancing.
The only thing I take issue with here is that your wording of being alone with the opposite (or same) gender being 'morally wrong' - it's kind of ambiguous. It almost makes it sound like you think that making out with somebody or even just wanting to have an intimate conversation is morally wrong. Of course, I know what you mean, and therefore this comment can probably be blown off as pointless nitpicking. Actually, scratch that - my problem with that part is that it makes it sound like a debate between respecting somebody else's beliefs or inflicting your own upon them. No matter how right you think you are, I tend to think it's always a bad idea to try to impose your beliefs on someone else's lifestyle. People don't take it well when you tell them they're doing something 'morally wrong'. Just live your life the way you want to, you know?
Of course, from knowing you in real life, I also know that you're really not one to try and impose your beliefs on someone else, so I guess I'm still nitpicking the wording of the column, which probably undermines what you've done here. Nothing's perfect, but this article is great! I especially enjoyed the grass pun.
Thanks,
Gabe
— Gabriel Riccio | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#3: 9/17/2008 at 2:33 p.m.
Do you know why I don't eat kosher? I don't base my morality or beliefs on superstitions and fairy tales, whether they are handed down from thousands of years ago or made up in recent times. Then again, I am one of those genetic Jews who has never been to Hebrew school or practiced the religion anyway.
Of course, I am glad that someone is voicing an opinion that truly is in the minority at Swarthmore (without writing it offensively on somebody's whiteboard in the middle of the night), that is something that rarely happens on our campus, as you mention in your first article.
— Keith B | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#4: 9/17/2008 at 5:11 p.m.
It's Wednesday, it's five o'clock, I'm completely baked, and reading this whole guinea pig thing is making me freak the %*#& out.
— Blueberry Johnson | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#5: 9/17/2008 at 9:26 p.m.
I think the thing about the particular issue with morality that was coming up in this column is that it is slightly more ambiguous than some others. It's not just about "letting somebody live their life." The problem is that they, by bringing a girl or a boy or whatever home, are affecting their roommate. I mean, given a person with a single, yes, I think they should be able to do pretty much anything they like (within obvious limits) but given somebody with a roommate--it's a bit more of a difficult issue. Because by bringing somebody home, by assuming your roommate is okay with being "sexiled" you are to a degree imposing your "morality" or "point of view" or whatever you would like to call it, on them. I don't really want to get into a huge debate here or anything; this is merely something I think everybody ought to think about.
— Rachael Mansbach | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#6: 9/17/2008 at 9:45 p.m.
It's no secret that people do drugs and have sex in college. What is your point? Pretending to be naive about these things doesn't foster discussion.
— Madeleine | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#7: 9/17/2008 at 9:46 p.m.
Also my email address is mabromo1.
— Madeleine | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#8: 9/17/2008 at 11:39 p.m.
Um, Rachael, I agree that it's more of a difficult issue, but a practical rather than a moral one. First of all, the column never asserts that when Roommate A would be sexiling Roommate B (Henry, I guess), that A'd be "assuming", since what Henry had a problem with was the idea of signing a roommate contract that would explicitly say that if either roommate had a guest and wanted some private time in the room, the other roommate would be obligated to leave for a reasonable amount of time. Yes, by bringing someone -- anyone, romantic interest or not -- to the room, A would affect Henry, and if Henry were to do so, he would affect A, as well. Roommates affect each other. It's part of the deal. Good roommates make compromises to make life as easy as possible for both people .
It is the case that Henry's *personal* morality is opposed to pre-marital sex. But no one's asking him to have pre-marital sex. A would be asking him for some private use of their shared space. What A does behind closed doors is, frankly, none of Henry's business, on the assumption that A only affects his own possessions. But, okay, so Henry's uncomfortable with it. This is reasonable, even though, if push comes to shove, Henry has no right to impose his personal morality on other people. It would be nice, however, if A were to work with Henry to come to an arrangement with which they were both comfortable -- A can bring people over while Henry's in class, for example, or they can each have the room to themselves alternating Saturday evenings or something that might suit a fictional rodent.
So, yeah -- having a roommate makes things more difficult. All sorts of things. But this is not a question of morality, it's a question of courteousness, on both Henry and his roommate's parts.
— Ariel | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#9: 9/18/2008 at 2:23 p.m.
Seriously, this is a waste of online space.
I'm not usually so crude, but why write this? And now we find out that it doesn't totally represent Chris' views. So why the heck is this around?
Really I can't remember the last time I read anything of quality on the gazette. Now we have more sex columns and some kind of faux-conservative bs.
— whattttt | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#10: 9/18/2008 at 2:55 p.m.
I find people's use of "opposite gender" "same gender" or "whatever gender (as if a gender other than same or opposite is less than or irrelevant)" offensive and unbelievably insensitive. Allowing for same gender (or multiple gender, or a gender that's not "opposite" just different from your own) attraction is not a "caveat," it's a demonstration of your respect for your fellow students whether you agree with them or not. It's a way of saying "I will take you seriously and not dismiss your lived experiences and self definitions because I want that kind of respect too."
I may hardly ever agree with you, Chris, but I don't dismiss your identity as a caveat and I would appreciate it if you extended the same basic respect to me. This includes, by the way, not dismissing my anger and hurt at being constantly classified and dismissed as a caveat.
Thanks,
Sasha
— Sasha R | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#11: 9/18/2008 at 3:25 p.m.
Rachel, I disagree with your point on "imposing morality on your roommate" by asking to "use the room" however you want. As an RA, I've told my residents that while everyone has the right to live peacefully and to sleep every night in their room, everyone also has the right to some alone time in the room. One can work out with their roommate when the roommate can leave for a few hours, and it's none of the roommate's business what happens in the room when he/she is not present.
— Krystyn McIlraith | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#12: 9/18/2008 at 4:03 p.m.
Ariel,
I agree with you it's a question of courteousness--I didn't actually mean to imply it was really at heart an issue of morality (at least I don't think I did; I think I was kinda tired when I wrote what I did, so I don't remember), and from the responses I've gotten, I realize why we're having a debate. I actually subscribe to the belief that nobody has a "right" to "alone time" in their room, because that sort of means that the other person has lost their right to be in the room for a period of time. I think that actually people always have a right to be in their room whenever they want. But I can see the other viewpoint as well, though I don't agree. In any case, this is a very interesting discussion and I'm glad everybody's being so polite about it.
— Rachael Mansbach | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#13: 9/18/2008 at 5:03 p.m.
Rachael,
The idea that nobody has the right to alone time in the room is completely and utterly ridiculous.
--Krystyn
— Krystyn McIlraith | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#14: 9/18/2008 at 5:36 p.m.
I realize I was a little short. Here are reasons someone might want a little alone time in the room:
1.) I have a private phone conversation I'd like to have.
2.) I have a migraine and need to take a quiet nap.
3.) I really have to run through my lines for tonight's play.
4.) A friend is in need and really needs to come over and talk.
5.) I just want one afternoon where I can blast bad George Michael songs.
I shared a room with 4 other kids at one point growing up. If someone wants the room for an hour, you can make the time to make sure they get it. It's called being a nice roommate.
— Krystyn McIlraith | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#15: 9/22/2008 at 5:36 p.m.
First of all: calm down, he's just a guinea pig.
Secondly: I have a personal guinea pig-related question for you, Henry. Mating plugs. Those blobs of gelatinous goo that male guinea pigs use to stopper up a post-copulatory female guinea pig, thus ensuring that any resulting progeny will be sired by he alone...where the hell do they come from? How do you produce these adhesive monstrosities?
Also, do your political views have any impact on your feelings with regards to mating plugs?
— Kapitan von Nichts | Unregistered, Swarthmore