Curiosity Killed the... Columnist?
You know the old joke about the cobbler’s children having no shoes, the priest’s kids getting knocked up, and the sex columnist’s partners not getting off?
I think about it every time I sit down to write—not in the getting off sense so much, but worrying that people expect me to be perfect at the whole “communication” and “competence” thing when I’m not.
Somebody once praised my condom technique the first time we slept together, and I blushed hard when, a few bouts of safe sex later, I rolled it on backwards (and then went to get a new condom, since you don’t want pre-cum on the wrong side, woo safe sex knowledge, and then things were good).
But hey. I hate, as we know, the myth that sex is natural and something we all know how to do—it’s one of the worst parts of being 16, having that expectation in your head and knowing, at the same time, that you personally? Have no idea what’s going on.
So I’m glad to be 21 now—and still finding new ways to be confused by sex every day. Don’t get me wrong, people like my colleague at the BiCo and Scarleteen are doing a great job of disseminating facts.
But I’m a Swattie and this week all I’ve got for you is questions, a lot of which get to the heart of everything I’ve been writing about this semester, but none of which I have answers to.
Why is asking for what you really want so damn hard sometimes? Why is it that nearly every time I do ask for what I want, I get a good response, and I’m still scared of it? Why do I have a hard time, sometimes, even when I’m asked point-blank what I want? Where did I learn that it’s a bad thing to express desire?
Why is my Hitachi Magic Wand so damn amazing?
Why am I sometimes really ticklish on the inside of my knees and sometimes not at all?
Why do we think of sexual assault as only something that evil people do in evil moments, rather than as something that belongs on a behavioral continuum? Similarly, why do I still sometimes find myself on the brink of sexual activity which I don’t really want, and having a hard time saying no?
Why do we think it’s OK to be emotionally intimate with many people at once but only physically intimate with one? Why do people think that bisexuals can’t possibly be monogamous if they so desire?
Why do people persist in thinking that a guy must be gay if he likes anal play or rear-entry positions? Is there a similar stereotype for lesbians, and would it have to do with the clitoris?
Why do I like the idea of actually playing “20 Questions” with my lover? I mean, why does that get me so hot, does it have to do with playing that game a lot in my childhood, and how am I going to tell them this?
For that matter, is there a sexy version of Operation, where you, like, cautiously remove the butt plug rather than the funny bone and the Adam’s apple? If not, why not, and who is going to come up with the idea first?
Why do I have an easier time talking about safe sex in a “fluids” sense than in an emotional sense? Why do so many of us have an easier time being vulnerable physically than emotionally, for that matter?
Why do people get surprised when I say that you should probably only engage in activities that could get you pregnant with somebody who agrees with you about what to do if your birth control fails?
Why does my cunt look like the most beautiful thing in the world some days and the ugliest others?
Why do I like having my head rubbed so much? (The tentative explanation I have for this is that once somebody told me as a kid that poetry “feels like the top of your head coming off,” and ever since then I have looked for reading and thinking experiences that will feel, well, like the top of my head coming off. And having somebody rub my head is a quick physical route there that doesn’t involve Emily Dickinson.)
Why do the people who get so upset about being judged for not being abstinent sometimes get so upset when somebody else chooses abstinence freely? How the hell does anyone still think abstinence-only education is a good idea in view of the piles of evidence that says it’s not?
Why do we focus on giving and getting sex rather than sharing sex? Is it that hard to carry over certain lessons from kindergarten? Wouldn’t this sort of model really help the whole sexual assault thing?
Seriously, why do I have such a hard time asking for exactly what I want? Do I not want to be the overbearing sex columnist/geek/goddess? Why do I feel like that’s what people will assume?
People who know me know that I’m obsessed with the metaphor of recovery from sexual assault as a spiral—you start in the middle and you work your way out, and it seems like you’re constantly running into the same problems, but every time you know how to deal with them a little better and every time the turns are a little bit calmer. But it’s not just a good metaphor for recovery—it’s a good metaphor for learning, too.
I grew up, like a lot of you, with Dan Savage’s three Gs—good, giving, and game. And those are all good things to be. But I guess “giving” and “game” have always sounded weird to me.
Though I know that’s not how they’re meant, I worry that if I say “No” to something my partner will throw those word back in my face and call me a Puritan. Not that I have anything against Puritans—I just think Anne Hutchinson was kind of hot.
And my whole sexual ethic has grown up around the idea of self-care. So recently I’ve found myself, when asked what makes for a good partner, talking about the three Cs a lot—careful, caring, and communicative.
(The lesser trifecta might be cock, cunt, and competency. There are a lot of good “C” words.)
So yes, I’m confused as all get out. But now that I have “careful, caring, and communicative” seared into my brain as the cardinal virtues, I’m finding that I’m a lot better at navigating that spiral of sexual improvement.
…and now I’m heading back to the Hitachi. Because you should always take care of yourself first.
Love,
Dr. Strokes
Print
Email
#1: 11/21/2008 at 9:46 a.m.
Excellent questions!
How about this one:
Why does sex ed stop after middle school, a time when we don't know enough to ask what will be truly relevant?
Thank you for normalizing and being an ice breaker!!
— sexpertise.wordpress.com | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#2: 11/23/2008 at 3:03 p.m.
Ok, well the "Nailin Paylin" discussion had descended into chaos, so time to take a crack at this one.
"it’s one of the worst parts of being 16, having that expectation in your head and knowing, at the same time, that you personally? Have no idea what’s going on."
Yup. And then when it sucks the first time you feel like you must just be awful at this.
"Why is asking for what you really want so damn hard sometimes? Why is it that nearly every time I do ask for what I want, I get a good response, and I’m still scared of it? Why do I have a hard time, sometimes, even when I’m asked point-blank what I want?"
The typical answer would be "because society has taught you that you shouldn't have sexual desire." That answers the question to some extent, and certainly was what stopped me from doing more sexual things when I was younger (like when I was offered a threesome by two of the hottest girls at my high school and declined because I thought they were joking, because it would be SO embarrassing to admit that I wanted to have a threesome). However, As I've gotten older and sexual desire has become more normal, I think the answer is more along the lines of "because society has taught me that I should have one specific kind of sexual desire." If I ask someone to give me head, I feel a lot more comfortable saying that (though not completely comfortable) than asking them to pin me down, lick my nipples, or rub my taint, because they're not "on the regular menu."
"why do I still sometimes find myself on the brink of sexual activity which I don’t really want, and having a hard time saying no?"
For me, because who can turn down sexual activity? For you, based on what you've written, probably more because you feel like there's a certain expectation on you.
"Why do we think it’s OK to be emotionally intimate with many people at once but only physically intimate with one?"
Evolution?
"Why do people think that bisexuals can’t possibly be monogamous if they so desire?"
Who thinks that? I don't think I've ever heard that. I have, however, heard people say "bisexuals are just kidding thsmselves."
"Why do people persist in thinking that a guy must be gay if he likes anal play or rear-entry positions? Is there a similar stereotype for lesbians, and would it have to do with the clitoris?"
Uh, maybe wanting to wear a strap-on?
"For that matter, is there a sexy version of Operation, where you, like, cautiously remove the butt plug rather than the funny bone and the Adam’s apple? If not, why not, and who is going to come up with the idea first?"
You! Furthermore, is there a game in which two people interlock and whoever gets the other to achieve orgasm first wins, and why is it not an acceptable form of dispute resolution in our society?
"Why do I have an easier time talking about safe sex in a “fluids” sense than in an emotional sense? Why do so many of us have an easier time being vulnerable physically than emotionally, for that matter?"
Well, physically safe sex is a pretty straightforward, scientific thing, whereas emotional isn't. The problem for me is that sex has to involve some kind of emotional vulnerability, since I'm submissive both physically and emotionally. I don't really know how to let my guard down and surrender myself to another person while still protecting myself emotionally. Not like I'm going to fall in love with every person I sleep with, but there is a certain level of attachment that remains after the experience is over. I don't know if you feel similarly.
"Why do we focus on giving and getting sex rather than sharing sex? Is it that hard to carry over certain lessons from kindergarten? Wouldn’t this sort of model really help the whole sexual assault thing?"
Yes. This should definitely be our model. Maybe if porn scenes closed with the actors embracing rather than the girl on her knees with cum all over her face, that might help. Of course, she can still have cum all over her face, but can't he hug her at the same time?
Thanks for another great column. BTW, sexual 20 questions would be hot. "Do you like when I rub it?" "yes" "Do you like when I suck it?" "yes." ... awesome.
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#3: 11/23/2008 at 4:08 p.m.
"But [the spiral is] not just a good metaphor for recovery—it’s a good metaphor for learning, too."
Congratulations, Dr. Strokes, you're an educational theorist! Jerome Bruner (1960, 1966) became very famous for his philosophizing on "the spiral curriculum," among other things. But he wasn't a sex columnist, so you're still cooler.
— Mark Lewis '10 | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#4: 11/23/2008 at 4:26 p.m.
Hitachi Magic Wands are equipped with a means of transmitting subliminal mind control within the whirring noise that only the Japanese know about. Primarily this mind control is designed to make people better citizens and, of course, to act in the appropriate manner when the "zero hour" is upon us and the commie scum go up against the wall, but naturally there is some product placement embedded in there as well.
I was going to say that there are a lot of nerve endings concentrated in the scalp, but there don't seem to be according to:
http://msjensen.cehd.umn.edu/webanatomy/nervous/nerv_anatomyTV-head-nerves.jpg
So I'd say the fact that those nerves are sandwiched between a thin layer of skin and your skull, with very little cushioning, they are more subject to stimulation.
People focus on giving and getting sex because it was a good strategy for our ancestors with respect to maximizing reproductive fitness. Males want reassurance that their mates' progeny are the ones that they fathered. Being predisposed towards being an aggressive and possessive jackass will thus be beneficial with respect to fitness.
Naturally, that doesn't make such an attitude acceptable, simply expected. Natural selection is completely amoral, and it has equipped us with some effective, but patently not nice, instincts.
Question: How are those instincts to be transcended? Develop a strong neocortex that can battle the "reptilian-complex", with a few nods to the "be nice" instincts embedded in the limbic system? (thanks Carl Sagan for writing 'the dragons of eden')
Unless you don't like the triune brain model.
In which case you make me sad.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#5: 11/23/2008 at 7:07 p.m.
On the topic of sex ed: At my high school we had a health curriculum completely devoid of anything that acknowledged that sex existed, a health text that mentioned sex and why it was bad but never explained in the least what sex was (and left genitalia out of its human body diagrams) and...
free chlamydia tests for everyone once a year.
I also remember Planned Parenthood occasionally coming in to lecture us before said tests, and they would try to be "hip" with us in the most bizarrely inappropriate ways. Quote, reconstructed from repressed high school memories, possibly altered by jaded sensory filter: "Yo, some girls like be hookin' up on other bitches, like those dyke-ass chicks be gettin' some diseases yo!"
Yo indeed.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#6: 11/23/2008 at 7:27 p.m.
Planned parenthood used the terms "bitches" and "dyke-ass chicks"? Wow. Sounds like your school had some serious identity issues. And really, why only Chlamydia?
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#7: 11/23/2008 at 7:59 p.m.
No, sorry. Gonorrhea as well.
Yes, it was an intriguing school. Words cannot express it.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#8: 11/24/2008 at 7:44 p.m.
Argos, I call shenanigans. There is no way Planned Parenthood would say that. none.
— Seth | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#9: 11/24/2008 at 10:37 p.m.
Planned Parenthood the organization? No, of course not. They're not idiots. Far from it.
A reproductive education representative in a shitty Philadelphia public school? Yes, of course they'd say something roughly equivalent to that.
Philly schools are not the world most students here are accustomed to. They are the trenches, this was the Eastern Front, we had eaten nothing but stewed tomatoes and ersatz coffee for the past 4 weeks, our c.o. was gut-shot and bleeding to death in a puddle of human waste, and we all had trench-foot.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#10: 11/25/2008 at 12:46 a.m.
FFL, you're my favorite commenter. I hope we meet awkwardly in McCabe and make out some time, and then you only reveal your secret identity afterwards, and then I'm all "hey, I will totally lick your nipples, yo." Maybe this has already happened.
But yeah, your answer is basically my answer--I do have an easier time asking for menu items than non-menu items.
"Furthermore, is there a game in which two people interlock and whoever gets the other to achieve orgasm first wins, and why is it not an acceptable form of dispute resolution in our society?"
I would win (nearly) every fucking time. That would be awesome.
I've heard the thing about bisexuals fairly often, actually.
"Not like I'm going to fall in love with every person I sleep with, but there is a certain level of attachment that remains after the experience is over. I don't know if you feel similarly."
I actually do--I had a weird conversation with someone recently where they said that they always kick people out of their bed after they have sex with them, and I was like "I did not imagine this was possible! If I don't want someone to sleep over, I won't have sex with them."
The thing is that I have sometimes found myself letting my physical guard down (i.e. having sex) before letting my emotional guard down (i.e. actually being comfortable being vulnerable) and then I find myself confused about what's what. Bah this doesn't really make sense unless I go into a long digression about my personal life, which is NOT WHAT I DO EVERY WEEK. NOPE.
Also, Mark Lewis, hardcore! I am so happy that I am an educational theorist by way of concepts I have picked up in therapy.
— Dr. Strokes | Staff
#11: 11/26/2008 at 1:17 a.m.
I think we both know Swatties are too awkward and self-conscious to play out that kind of movie scenario, as much as it would play into your whole spies with secret identities fantasy. Wait a minute... that's why you have a gazette column isn't it, for the secret identities? I'll try to introduce myself next time I see you. Assuming I've got your secret identity right...
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#12: 11/27/2008 at 12:06 a.m.
Oddly enough, I got a spontaneous presentation on the habit of kicking sex partners out of bed from someone the very night this semester began. I was trying to listen to This American Life, but she randomly walked into my room and started talking. And talking. A surreal beginning to a surreal semester, and an even more surreal episode of TAL.
Given that my view of sex is that it is a source of human contact that I rarely seek to obtain, such a tendency is not one that I would be capable of adopting.
If I just wanted sexual gratification, I'd masturbate. And I don't actually give a damn about gratification, at least if it involves orgasm, because that just makes me lose total interest in sex and also, for some odd reason, wakes me up about as well as three cups of coffee would.
And I think the coffee is somewhat more entertaining.
Like how Boy George prefers tea to sex.
Two weeks ago I attempted to explain my "so it goes" attitude regarding orgasms to the school psychiatrist, and it really disturbed him. He adopted the most endearingly confused expression, and suggested maybe I'd like more drugs.
And hell, it's a fair assessment, given that I just compared myself to Boy George.
— Argos | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore