Group Sex Can't Be This Stressful
Writing a sex column is not as easy as it looks. It turns out you get to a point where you've written four columns, some of which people have liked, and you want to keep up the high standards, but that's precisely the problem--now, with the specter of Savage trolls on one side and of people who really, really like you (but might stop at any moment!) on the other, you're feeling kind of overwhelmed.
So you complain about it to your friends and hit upon what you think is a good metaphor. "Goodness," you say, "having to write for the kids with the vulvodynia and the kids who like the jokes and the kids who want to hear about that neat cunnilingus trick I learned last night, and doing all of that while not getting tarred with the crazy brush, is hard. It's like being in an imaginary orgy in my head where one person wants me to top and another wants me to bottom and another needs to know where I put the condoms, stat. It's terrible. I have to think about so many people."
"Maybe," they say, "...maybe if group sex is so scary you should write about masturbation."
I break into hysterical laughter, but we're not talking the sexy kind.
Like any sex columnist worth their spice rack, I am in favor of masturbation as a healthy and important component of your sex life whether single or hitched, and when talking to women about sex (men are left out because, uh, well, we'll have a column on ideas of masculinity and how they screw men over soon) I find myself recommending it all the time.
Are you looking for an especially safe and sexy sex practice? Mutual masturbation is almost completely risk-free but can also be incredibly intimate.
Are you able to bring yourself to orgasm, but not get there with a partner? Masturbate for your partner and with your partner--show them how you like to be touched.
Are you having trouble working through triggers with a partner? Is sex confusing for you and are the right physical techniques hard to find? Do you have a hard time orgasming, or have you never orgasmed? You know the answer--work through them alone first. Set aside thirty minutes twice a week to masturbate. It's an emotional and physical workout that also makes you a more progressive woman! You'll figure everything out through masturbation!
... this is good advice, advice that works for a lot of people, advice that probably works for you.
It's just--you know, this is supposed to be feisty, but it's turning out quiet--never worked for me.
I'm your sex columnist, yes, and I'm supposed to be in touch with my sexuality, but there it is: masturbation makes me nervous. For a while it was what I did when I wanted to make myself cry.
And it's not like I haven't tried to learn how to masturbate. I've put a lot of effort into masturbating. I've had masturbation schedules. I've bought sex toys. I've read books.
But this is what it's like for me: miserable. My basic problem with sex has never been communicating with my partner and learning my partner's needs--I'm good at that--but communicating with myself and being able to figure out what my own needs are.
This is a common survivor pattern (some people have argued that it is also a common woman's pattern, since, you know, women are socialized to care about the needs of others more than their own needs), but I'm not (yet?) in a place where masturbation can help with breaking it. The reason why is pretty obvious; one of my abusers would coerce me into masturbating for him and would pressure me to masturbate in a way that he would enjoy, which of course I went along with, because when he enjoyed it, it was over faster. By the end I was well-trained in his preferences--what to do, what noises to make, when and how to fake orgasm. This is what I did to survive.
So weirdly, when somebody else is in bed with me, I can focus on them and everything is OK; but when it's just me, there's no focus for my attention and nothing to protect me from the triggers that almost inevitably rush in. Even if I'm not directly triggered by thoughts of my abuse, it's still (understandably) hard for me to enjoy myself, and I start to hate myself for just that. What kind of frigid bitch must I be to not even be able to masturbate properly?
In her (highly recommended for any woman dissatisfied with her sex life--sadly I don't know of an equivalent for men, although Lonnie has a great book for heterosexual couples as well--the library has lost both of its copies, but I have one I'd be willing to lend out) book for women about becoming orgasmic, Lonnie Barbach writes this:
"One common tendency is to get into the vicious cycle of expecting a sexual encounter to end with your feeling dissatisfied and frustrated, while hoping that this time it will be different. If so, you may find yourself being a spectator of your own lovemaking. As the lovemaking continues, you may grow more and more fearful that the orgasm is not going to happen. So you are constantly weighing your responses as you try to attain the elusive orgasm. The more closely you watch and worry, the less aware you can be of what your body is feeling. As your partner begins thrusting, you begin giving up. As he experiences orgasm, you may feel defeated, angry, sad, alone."
And that's me, but during masturbation, and consequently even more alone at the end. "I'm going to fuck up again and this is going to hurt" is the constant specter in my head. "How do I not fuck up? How do I not... I don't think, crap but I'm thinking, I'm already thinking... time to burst into tears and have an inflamed vulva that will ache for a few hours!"
And time to burst into tears it is. Again and again. The way I deal with this (since I'm still horny, dammit, at least sometimes I am, and even your sex columnist doesn't have nubile young women lining up to jump in her bed every day) is to give myself the distractions I need.
I didn't learn to use homework as a distraction--rather, I found that I would find myself masturbating while doing homework, and instead of putting the book down and entering crisis mode, I have learned to just go with the flow. I jokingly call it the "Swarthmore Special," masturbating furitively under the covers while tearing through another account of the French Revolution and maybe, maybe on a third cognitive level thinking about what I would like to do to the cute girl in the library.
(This third cognitive level has been slowly growing more and more prominent, which I think is progress, but when I let it have my entire mental space, it still, you know, goes all Reign of Terror and "LOOK WHO IS WATCHING" on me.)
It's kind of funny, sure, and it's kind of hot, I guess, if you're turned on by how fast I read, but it's not my ideal. I would like to be able to give myself half an hour to do nothing but pay attention to my own pleasure. I'm just not there yet. And I shouldn't force myself.
Despite the fact that everyone says I would be "more in touch with myself" if I masturbated, despite the fact that, you know, I'm a sex columnist, and I can't masturbate without crying, I don't have to.
Weird boundary. I know. Probably not your boundary. But there it is--my boundary. And nobody has to make me cross it when I don't want to. And that--this is the part that takes the longest to learn--includes me. And recognizing and upholding that boundary--doesn't make me "frigid" or "prudish" or "less of an empowered queer Swattie womyn," although I don't know if that last one is desirable--it makes me awesome.
...I would end with some masturbation tips, but let's be honest. I don't have any good ones. I'm cranky. I haven't slept for more than four hours in nearly a week. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when this gets published. The Pterodactyl Hunt is tomorrow.
(And all this thinking about myself? Makes me want to run back to the group sex... which would be a good fantasy to go with, hey, this Russian Revolution reading I have to do...)
The point is, masturbate if you want to. Don't if you don't. But don't let people pressure you into doing things you don't want to do by telling you that you're not liberated. And just like you're OK with the uneven quality of your sex? Be OK with the uneven quality of your sex columnist.
And please--masturbate while studying for your midterms. You know I will.
Dr. Strokes
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#1: 10/3/2008 at 11:28 a.m.
Thanks so much for writing this. I thought I was the only one who only enjoyed masturbation while studying.
Every one of your columns has made me think about some aspect of sex in a new way--you're amazing!
— Abbey Agresta | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#2: 10/3/2008 at 11:44 a.m.
Dr. Strokes - from someone who's read your column regularly thus far, calm down! The fact alone that you're writing this column is amazing, never mind the fact that your topics & discussion are varied, intelligent and socially responsible. I've spent way too much time bitching about how much better off the world would be if we brought sex & sexuality further out into the realm of conversation; you're doing just that, and doing it in style.
"Uneven quality"? Pssht. Don't be ridiculous :-) You're awesome.
- J.L
— J.L | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#3: 10/3/2008 at 4:10 p.m.
I second J.L.'s sentiment - I'm a regular reader, the column is excellent, the fact that you're doing it is amazing, and you're hitting hard topics & doing them well.
Some of these topics I've related to - others have just been interesting, and valuable to learn from.
Thank you very, very much. Not just from me - but from several of my closest friends, who have expressed to me how much they appreciate these.
- Eric
— Eric | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#4: 10/4/2008 at 1:46 a.m.
if you masturbate while studying, you should masturbate while taking exams, too.
that way, you will be better able to access the memories you were forming while studying because you'll be in the same place mentally, emotionally, and...if you're lucky, physically.
...just some cognitive psychology psychobabble...
— sophomore | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#5: 10/4/2008 at 2:00 a.m.
Thanks so much for writing this!
I also have a lot of issues with masturbation and reading your column really helped me realize that I don't have to feel bad about not enjoying masturbation/masturbating regularly while still recognizing its importance for most people. And just because it's easier for me to orgasm or even enjoy myself with a partner than alone doesn't actually mean that I'm repressed or a bad sexually aware person or not in touch with my body.
You're right: "masturbate if you want to, don't if you don't." That may seem painfully obvious but it's really hard to see in a situation where the prevailing (usually but not always true) belief is that masturbation is always a good thing.
Lest anyone get confused: I still strongly feel that it's still better to be told that masturbation is always good that that it is always wrong.
— R | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#6: 10/4/2008 at 2:48 p.m.
I can't masturbate while reading...only while doing mathematical stuff. Or while thinking about math...force diagrams are fuckin' hot.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#7: 10/6/2008 at 11:26 a.m.
As someone who has had the opposite problem, always being able to get myself off but always running into frustration and anxiety when it came to the real thing with a partner, I'd suggest kind of blurring the line and taking baby steps. Start touching yourself during sex, in a comfortable and safe environment, then touch yourself while your partner touches you, then touch yourself while your partner is in the room, then... while they're on the phone?
Of course, who knows what will work for you. And, of course, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#8: 10/6/2008 at 12:22 p.m.
Everybody-- You're awesome. I am, uh, glad that you could tell that this was sort of a neurotic week, but your continued support is really good to have.
R--High five for people who don't like to masturbate but who aren't repressed! I completely agree with you that it's better to err in the direction of "masturbation is always good," but then allow for complex cases like us.
sophomore-- This is the only good argument for why we should have an Honor Code like Haverford--I should be able to take my exams in the privacy of my own bed with my own lube...
Argos-- Google image "force diagram," this is my favorite.
FFL-- Congratulations on having the more common problem. Did blurring the line (in the opposite direction) work well for you? I hear it works well for lots of people. Maybe I will take your advice--touching myself during sex is great! but the phone step is a new one...
— Dr. Strokes | Staff
#9: 10/6/2008 at 12:47 p.m.
That's awesome.
But it doesn't get me off. The dinosaurs...they don't do it for me.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#10: 10/6/2008 at 1:48 p.m.
It worked well for me for two reasons--It relieved the anxiety because I was able to reach the kind of safe place I'm at while I'm alone, access those feelings, and bring them back into the moment; and also, it just helped me figure out what motions worked best for me.
And I know the phone thing was a little random, I was just trying to think of another intermediate step.
Also, I'm not sure it's "the more common problem" since I'm male... you tell me, you're the sex columnist.
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#11: 10/6/2008 at 2:18 p.m.
FFL-- That's good to hear. :)
I do think that being able to get off alone, and not with a partner, is the more common problem, and is a common problem for both genders.
(There are definitely MORE women who have a problem getting off, period. But that's a different question.)
We have this cultural myth that guys should be able to perform on demand, and not only is that false, but the existence of the expectation puts pressure on guys to live up to it, and penises under pressure? Tend to be unhappy penises. So yeah--men can have a hard time coming with a partner too.
— Dr. Strokes | Staff
#12: 10/7/2008 at 1:31 p.m.
You know what's really disturbing? Genital anesthesia, which is a misnomer as it results not in numbness, but de-erogenous-i-ness...or whatever the word should be. I'm not allowed to modify words anymore, after last summer.
Anyway, for me at any rate, this results in curious masturbatory injuries resulting from not immediately realizing what the hell is going on and thus using overly rough stimulation.
And from whence comes this strange lack of sensation in one's sexual organs?
Bloody SSRIs.
Actually, said masturbatory injuries are not nearly as curious as I wish they were. I have nothing that could receive a "how the hell did that happen" from a doctor.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#13: 10/7/2008 at 5:03 p.m.
I liked your column but i would recommend never starting a piece of writing with how hard it is to write. Sometimes I start with that to and see where it goes but take out the first bit- your piece would have been better starting with "Like any sex columnist worth their spice rack, I am in favor of masturbation..."
And I kind of thought everybody touched themselves while studying. Roommmate etiquette can be delicate.
— john | Unregistered, Non-Swarthmore
#14: 10/7/2008 at 6:25 p.m.
I don't know about while studying, but definitely while roommate is asleep.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#15: 10/7/2008 at 6:36 p.m.
Argos-- Is it still called genital anaesthesia when it's not, you know, directly caused by applying an anesthetic to the genitals? I mean, I know exactly what you're talking about, and it's this week's topic, but I'm not sure.
Also, the fact that dinosaurs don't turn you on clearly means something is wrong with you.
john-- Legit point. But I liked the group sex analogy. But it won't happen again! And dude, maybe everyone does touch themselves while studying. Maybe we should put up an unscientific poll...
— Dr. Strokes | Staff
#16: 10/7/2008 at 7:47 p.m.
I really appreciate the survivor sharing. I didn't realize how psychological these sorts of issues are, but you made me think. and it's weird but helpful to realize that it's not always a physical issue that leads to such frustration and discontent.
So. thank you.
— agreed | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#17: 10/7/2008 at 7:55 p.m.
Yeah, that's still what it's called.
And don't oppress me for my sexual preferences, or we're all going to have to take some time to deconstruct.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#18: 10/8/2008 at 2:31 a.m.
Ok well as your first respondent in your unscientific straw poll, I do not touch myself while studying. I have tried before, but it usually lasts less than 45 seconds before I drop the book or pull up a new tab in Firefox. How can you possibly think about sampling distribution when oh!... mm... ohhh...
Which is not to say I don't get turned on by the stuff I'm studying sometimes. I just can't focus on studying it while I'm engaged in other pursuits. And yes, I have to have my "morning constitutional" whether my roommate is in the room or not.
Going back to penises under pressure, yes, they are unhappy, and it's frustrating in the same way that Lonnie describes women not being able to orgasm frustrating, because the more it frustrates you the worse it gets. I think it's even worse because your partner isn't satisfied either. But for me it was more than the pressure, it was internal confusion and discomfort with the traditional situation, which is why going back to what worked for me alone and then trying to achieve that with my partner. So I think the important thing is to identify the place you are in mentally when things are working really well with your partner, and then try to put yourself in that place when you're getting down with yourself.
[PS: I assume you know the difference between male and man, maybe you thought I didn't, but for me, for now, it's a distinction I'm making]
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#19: 10/8/2008 at 2:55 a.m.
agreed--Glad I made you think in a good way. Hope you're doing well.
Argos-- You know oppressing people is what I am all about.
FFL-- Thanks for pointing out that I wasn't making that distinction--while I know the difference, most of us use male/man pretty sloppily, and it's good to be reminded not to also be sloppy in my reading.
Everything you're saying makes sense, especially the part about identifying your good mental place, wherever it may be, and then trying to expand it, and having THAT push out the discomfort, rather than focusing on the discomfort first, which traps you in this cycle of escalating frustration.
I like it a lot.
You do seem to be the minority in the poll, at least in terms of people who have felt compelled to leave a comment... an exhaustive statistical survey will have to be left to someone with more time than I.
— Dr. Strokes | Staff
#20: 10/8/2008 at 3:01 a.m.
Someone ought to relay the importance of this research to Steve Wang. Maybe he'll suggest it to his stat class.
The great thing about being in an autosexual relationship with oneself is that, when it doesn't go so well, one gets to play both the role of being unsatisfied and the role of being upset because one's partner (i.e. oneself) is unsatisfied. And then there is this weird escalating cycle of frustration.
Which is suddenly really fascinating me, probably because it's 3AM.
I just blew my own mind.
Woah.
Or maybe I'm really neurotic and easily amused.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#21: 10/9/2008 at 12:33 a.m.
"You do seem to be the minority in the poll, at least in terms of people who have felt compelled to leave a comment…"
I'm not saying I don't start touching myself while studying, because I definitely do... it's just that after I do, the studying doesn't last very long. Getting aroused in class is much worse though. *sigh*. If only I could concentrate while aroused, I could pay attention in class, do my homework while masturbating... my life would be so much more productive.
— FFL | Unregistered, Swarthmore
#22: 10/9/2008 at 12:03 p.m.
Yeah, getting aroused during class is interesting. Especially in a foreign language class, because then I totally lose track of what's going on and pathetically respond "Käsebrot!" to questions about...I don't know, politics.
— Argos | Unregistered, Swarthmore