The price of a contraband bottle of Coke on campus has shot up from $2.00 to $8.00 since March Break. Our anonymous source, the primary Coke dealer on campus and the supplier for a vast network of Coca-Cola addicts, explained that the higher prices are a matter of transport costs.
One of the Kick Coke students was having trouble with their roommate and moved into his dorm, said our source, who we will refer to as John Doe. “I used to be able to bring up cases with only minimal subterfuge, but now I’ve always got to be careful to make sure she’s not there. One time she caught me–I thought she had class, but it turned out it had been canceled.”
Doe continued, “I tried to save myself by explaining that it was Pepsi with Coke labels on it, and so there was no blood of the Colombian children or whatever, and it was just a prop for a skit I was doing about corporate imperialism, but that didn’t cut it–she asked me why I thought the labels were red, and when I said I didn’t know, she said they were printed in blood.”
Doe looked around his room and began to whisper nervously. “Before I knew it, she’d dumped the entire case down the toilet… I can’t just stop now, though, because this is how I’m paying for my education.” In order to avoid the interfering student, Doe has built a pulley system outside of his window in order to haul up cases of Coke discreetly–thus the increased transport costs.
A female freshman expressed sympathy for Doe. “The girl he’s talking about used to live on my hall–I couldn’t even disguise the stuff in Pepsi labels because I was too scared she’d smell it.”
Coke junkies around campus lamented the higher prices. “It really puts a strain on my budget,” said an anonymous junior. “I rely on that stuff to keep me awake–the cost of an all-nighter has quadrupled, and that’s not cool.”
The junior and others should be glad that they’re not one unfortunate soul who has to pay sixteen dollars a bottle. Doe revealed that a prominent member of Kick Coke has a serious addiction to Diet Coke. “Her name was first on the petition to ban Coke… but she found that Diet Pepsi just wasn’t as good… I have no qualms about charging eight extra dollars for my continued silence. She brought it on herself.”
Hello, did you like this article? Write for The Gazette! Open staff meetings are every Wednesday at 7:00 p.m. in The Daily Gazette office on Parrish 4th. Info about our editors can be found here; you can also email us at email@example.com.