Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie announced as Lang Visiting Professors

Heiresses and reality television stars Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have been announced as the 2007-2008 Lang Visiting Professors for Social Change.

Class Awareness Month organizers explained that “Everybody has a story about class, and Paris and Nicole have a story that isn’t normally heard on this campus… there are serious issues that come along with being an heiress, and we know that these two will be more than willing to educate the community about those issues.”

Hilton and Richie will be co-teaching a course on “Becoming Famous: Drinking Too Much, Being Too Skinny, and Getting Taped Having Sex,” all skills that Swarthmore students seriously lack. President Al Bloom encouraged all students to consider taking this class, since “you can get more money for starring in a sex video than you ever will for deconstructing Derrida… just make sure you contribute it to the Meaning of Swarthmore campaign!”

Several students expressed excitement about next year’s social calendar. “Sager is going to be off the hook,” said John Walsh ’08. “I’m so stoked to see Paris Hilton naked in real life.” Mary Chiang ’10 agreed, and added that “the Large Scale Event should be pretty awesome, too. I’m sure Nicole can get us some big names for cheap.”

Other groups are excited for what they view as an opportunity to teach Hilton and Richie about the “Swarthmore way of life.” The Animal Rights Coalition plans to host a conversation with Hilton about the way she treats her toy chihuahua Tinkerbell. The Student Wellness Committee has already put out applications for students who will watch what Richie is eating around the clock.

A plan to have Paris Hilton tutor students in Chester is also being considered. A student who had seen the second season of “The Simple Life” expressed doubts, but she was quickly overridden by a chorus of enthusiastic tutor voices. “That’s just because she wasn’t at Swarthmore… a week here, and she too will want to use her privilege to help others!”

If the tutors succeed, that will indeed be a news story.

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