ESPN’s National Football League Draft guru, Mel Kiper Jr., visited campus yesterday as part of his neverending search for hidden football talent. He was met at the Lamb-Miller Field House by Athletic Director Adam Hertz, who attempted to head Kiper off by telling him repeatedly that there is no football team at Swarthmore, but Kiper blew by him with a wave of his overly large hands. “Yes, yes, I know you’re not the biggest school, but I must check every nook and cranny for projectable talent and athleticism.”
A few athletes who were hanging around the field house were rounded up and run through a makeshift “combine” on Clothier Field. “It was a little strange,” said men’s soccer player Kyle Burnell ’07. “He wouldn’t listen when we told him that we weren’t football players. But I guess it’s cool that my 4.56 40 (yard dash) would make me a 2nd-3rd rounder if I was a wide receiver.”
Soon, Kiper’s greasy hair and gruff countenance departed the land of guilt without sex, but his influence will be felt for many a day. “He was like a mentor to me,” said Burnell. “I think he made a difference,” said teammate Kevin St. Onge ’06. Hertz was more direct in expressing his shock and awe. “Incoming!” he cried.