Monday, April 1, 1900

The Daily Gazette

Swarthmore College
Monday, April 1, 1900
Volume MCMXXILV, Numero Uno

NEWS IN BRIEF

1) Nothing newsworthy going on at Swat, Gazette reports

2) Sager weekend celebrates subverting gender, naked chicks

3) Swarthmore admits Fresh Meat of 2004

4) Bell tower visits Psych Services

5) Willets resident looking forward to housing lottery

6) World news roundup

7) Campus events

SPORTS IN BRIEF

Ah, screw sports – nothing funny but a bunch of sticks and balls.

WEATHER REPORT

Today: Oh well, today happened already. It was kinda nice out, right?

Tonight: Lightning will strike the bell tower at midnight. Bring a camera.

Tomorrow: Tomorrow’s weather is meaningless. The apocalypse is upon us.

NEWS REPORT

1) Nothing newsworthy going on at Swat, Gazette reports

For the second week in a row, nothing at all worth writing about happened
at or around Swarthmore College, according to the Daily Gazette.

“Yeah, it’s been a pretty boring semester, folks,” said Jeff Heckelman
’02,”You alumni aren’t missing much.” Fellow editor Claire Phillips Thoryn
added, “It was so funny – a few weeks ago, Kai (Xu ’03, an eager Staff
Writer) called me up and said something was burning in the Ville and that
he could see the flames from his window. I was like, ‘dude, it’s Saturday
night – get a life.'”

When asked why the Gazette used to report more campus news than it does
now, Melanie Hirsch ’02 answered, “You wanna start something, bitch?”

Heckelman speculated that perhaps he’ll be led to a potential story idea
this Thursday when he checks the Weekly News to see what movies are
playing. Heckelman added, “I think the Debate team’s going to Georgetown
next weekend – maybe we’ll hear something about that.”

*****

2) Sager weekend celebrates subverting gender, naked chicks

The Sager Committee celebrated trans-gender issues this week, bringing a
slew of queer-activist speakers to campus to enlighten and promote
discussion of gender relevant topics. Tonight’s dance is the “wild
offspring” of the educational week, the culmination of days of discussion
about subverting dominant gender paradigms. It is also an opportunity for
the Swarthmore community to celebrate and enjoy the sight of hundreds of
drunken girls wearing next to nothing gyrating on the dance floor of Olde Club.

“This dance is very important to our school, as it is important for us to
be sensitive to the underlying cultural hegemony surrounding the social
construction of our construals of gender that permeates this campus each
and every day,” said College President Al Bloom, who arrived at Olde Club
with Dean Bob Gross to take in the festivities. Bloom later added, “Whoa,
Bob, check it out – nipples, 4 o’clock!”

The night isn’t restricted to the ogling of scantily clad females, however.
Men are encouraged to subvert gender paradigms as well, and wear dresses,
skirts, or anything usually thought of as “feminine wear.” Instead of
seeing such an act as “threatening their masculinity,” many men say they
enjoy dressing in drag for the night. One student, who would identify
himself only as “Ali,” said he even prefers the dress to his normal party
gear. “It’s so much easier to get it on while on the dance floor when you
don’t have to fumble with any zippers or buttons.”

*****

3) Swarthmore admits Fresh Meat of 2004

Class of 2004 statistical breakdown

Total Applied: 4,567,231,904
Total admitted: 868

Where from?
U.S.
New York: 56
New Jersey: 23
Pennsylvania: 45
    Philadelphia: 4
    Upper Darby: 25  
    Media: 16
California: 82 (none from any of the cool places, though)
Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Kansas, Nebraska, Oklahoma: 1 each

INTERNATIONAL
Ghana: 126
Japan: 3
India: 1.5
Hong Kong: 0.5
Trinidad: 8
Tobago: -3
Lpaie4ughafp98*kb: 1
Canada: 0

Avg. SAT Math: 770
Avg. SAT Verbal: 750
# Interviewed: 253
    % of those interviewed who gained acceptance: 0

Most eagerly anticipated email addresses:
TIE
Helen Adcock ’04
Sam Hitman ’04

*****

4) Bell tower visits Psych Services

In a Collection yesterday, the bell tower announced that it has been
secretly visiting Psych Services for nearly a year, citing its inability to
handle the pressures of Swarthmore life.

“I just can’t handle the pressure of knowing that the whole campus is
relying on me to have the right time,” the tower said. “I do the best I
can, but I get it wrong sometimes. And my bells…they’re so out of
tune…I keep trying, but they’re so awful….” The bell tower then burst
into tears, and was promptly consoled by Al Bloom.

“No one should be ashamed to go to Psych Services,” Bloom said. “This is a
tough place, and everyone could use a little counseling. Not just students,
and not just faculty, but even bell towers.”

The bell tower, however, continues to feel woefully inadequate. “I just
keep feeling that my therapist doesn’t know how to handle me,” it said. “I
guess she’s used to stressed students and doesn’t know what to do with a
patient that chimes every fifteen minutes. But–I don’t always–I mean, I’m
so bad–I don’t deserve this job–I’m out of tune….” The bell tower then
burst into tears again.

*****

5) Willets resident looking forward to housing lottery

A resident of Willets 1st South, speaking under the condition of anonymity
for fear of what he called the “wrath of Myrt,” expressed his eager
anticipation of next week’s housing lottery.

“It’s not that I didn’t enjoy my time here in Willets,” the rising junior
said, “I mean, the people are great, and our study breaks are cool and all.
I’m just looking forward to a change.”

When asked why he’s so eager to get away from Willets, the student offered
some slight criticism. “Well, I do have trouble getting to sleep some
nights, with the music my next door neighbor insists on playing loudly at
all hours of day and night. Man, I’ve had some crazy dreams thanks to that
Discovery Channel song.”

“Also, I’d I heard that in places like Wharton and Worth, not only are some
of the rooms actually a little bigger than the ones here in Willets, but
that the bathrooms also have some stalls in them that are completely
vomit-free! Man, that would be sweet.”

It was later brought to his attention that if he received a number in the
lower third of his class, and might be forced to return to Willets if he
really wanted a single, the student recoiled violently. “I’ll sleep in the
coffee bar every night before I go back to that place.”

*****

6) World news roundup

Congress passed a bill yesterday. …To the great surprise of the global
community, a new small warring nation appeared yesterday and immediately
received front page coverage in the world’s major newspapers. The tiny
nation of Lpaie4ughafp98*kb is apparently in the midst of a major civil
war, costing the lives of dozens of civilians, but no one knows where it
is. “I have to admit, I’ve never heard of this country,” Secretary of State
Madeleine Albright said. “But if they’re at war, it’s our duty to help them
and give them adequate press coverage.” …Bill Gates pleaded guilty
yesterday to confusing the board game Monopoly with the game of life. “I
didn’t understand that it was a game–I thought the goal of life really was
to buy everything in sight and keep everyone else from doing the same. I
mean, I dropped out of Harvard. I’m not very bright.” …The small town of
Hicksville, KS announced yesterday that it’s offering a free tank of gas to
anyone who comes to its single gas station. Reports say that the struggling
town is trying to boost its economy. …The Elian Gonzalez dispute has
finally been resolved. 6-year-old Elian had himself cloned yesterday,
allowing him to live simultaneously in Cuba and the United States.

*****

7) Campus events

“You all think I’m crazy for all those reserved-students emails, but I know
how to grow pot and you don’t – so there.”
Arboretum lecture by Allison Necaise, intern
Scheuer Room, 11:00

“Look At The Curves On That Baby!”
Math colloquium on parabolic study.
Dupont 190, 13:30

Multiculturalism, Yeomen, and Swarthmore Students (MYASS) meeting
Kohlberg 115, 16:15

Spanish 2B video
Kohlberg 116, 19:30

Student Council Meeting: All those bitching will be shot.
Parrish Parlours – East, 22:00

Movie Committee Presents: “Edward Penishands”
Dupont 161, 23:30

*****
Quote of the Day: “Luke, I am your father.” — Darth Vader

*****

Interested in reporting or writing for the Gazette?
No, of course you’re not, you worthless, apathetic ^&*%*&^%$

Just want to bitch and moan?

Contact the Editorial Board at
gazette-management@student-publications.swarthmore.edu.

Editorial Board
    Jeff Heckelman
    Melanie Hirsch
    Claire Phillips-Thoryn

Staff Writers
    Karla Gilbride
    Jeremy Schifeling
    Kai Xu

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This concludes today’s report.


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